


don't you ever tame your demons (but always keep them on a leash)

by elfiethewicked



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-09 15:18:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8896441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfiethewicked/pseuds/elfiethewicked
Summary: Up until Andrew was twelve the only constant thing in his life was Nathaniel. He had bounced from foster home to foster home until he couldn’t remember how many but Nathaniel had always been there, on the inside of his upper arm in icy blue.A soulmate au, where everything is the same but every time Neil changes his name, the name on Andrew changes with it.





	1. The lost boy

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the dialogue is taken directly from the books so that's why they might feel similar.
> 
> There is now a playlist for the fanfic: http://8tracks.com/elfiethewicked/don-t-you-ever-tame-your-demons-but-always-keep-them-on-a-leash

Up until Andrew was twelve the only constant thing in his life was Nathaniel. He had bounced from foster home to foster home until he couldn’t remember how many but Nathaniel had always been there, on the inside of his upper arm in icy blue. He used to trace the letters when he felt lonely or scared. It was a comfort knowing that there were at least someone out there that would love him.

  
When Andrew was twelve everything changed. First of all he got to the foster home of Cass Spear. A foster home with someone who seemed like they actually might love him. Secondly Nathaniel disappeared. Instead there was Alex written in the same icy blue and Andrew felt betrayed. Why had Nathaniel disappeared and who was Alex?

  
First Andrew was worried that something might have happened to his soulmate and that he had been reassigned a new one but no on had ever heard of such a thing so Andrew quickly dropped the question and never took it up again. He made himself forget about it and go on as if nothing had change but his fingers stopped tracing the now unfamiliar lines.

  
He was in juvie when the name changed next, this time Alex turned to Stefan and Andrew put his fist through a wall.

  
Two days before his mothers funeral Stefan changed to Chris and Andrew didn't notice until two weeks later.

  
After Andrew had declined his offer to the Ravens and he started playing for the foxes the name had changed to Neil. Andrew had given up on giving a damn as to why. He settled on hating his soulmate or whatever his tattoo was meant to represent.

 

That was until Kevin Day, damn him, decided that Neil Josten was exactly who they needed as the new striker for the Foxes. He suspected it, of course he did, but he had bigger concerns. Still when they took him to Colombia he ordered Neil through Nicky to remove his contacts. Their icy blue colour was an exact match to the tattoo on Andrews upper arm, something that ticked uncomfortably in Andrew's brain. 

"Another bit of unexpected honesty, any reason why?"  
"Nicky asked nicely, you might try it sometime"  
"We've been over this: I don’t ask"

Later when the foxes had stopped him from reaching Neil's room and Neil had hitchhiked his way back Andrew decided that Neil was a puzzle that needed to be solved immediately. Despite himself he was a little impressed of Neil's way of ending the evening and a tiny shard of respect settled in him. Still Neil was a problem, and that problem needed solving. He cornered Neil at Wymack's and that conversation took a turn he had not expected at all. It wasn't often that Andrew was surprised but Neil had managed to twice during the same conversation and Andrew didn't like it. Neil had finished explaining something that was obviously not all the truth but Andrew didn't care for details. He stared at Neil as something settled in his head, he didn't know what yet but something had either stopped making sense, or just started to.

"Let me stay, I'm not ready to give this up"  
Andrew cleared his head and settled on a stony expression knowing that the strangeness in his head had creeped onto his face.  
"Keep it if you can. You and I both know you won't last long"


	2. The antagonizer

Turned out Neil stuck around long enough to end up on a talk show. At first Andrew found it amusing thinking that this little rabbit would either run or be a deer in the headlights. Because how would he manage to hide on national television? 

Neil handled it well and Andrews attention lazily bounced between him and Kevin until that faithful moment when Riko Moryiama stepped on stage. Renee splayed herself on top of Andrew immediately to keep him in place an he'd be honest and say that it was all that was keeping him down, the addition of Matt and Wymack mattered little as he only cared for not hurting Renee. Pinned down in the chair and with Renee's hands over his mouth he couldn't do anything but watch as Riko started to tear Kevin to shreds on the stage. He saw as Kevin sunk lower and lower into his seat and wondered where this would end and if it would be with Renee on the floor anyway. He didn't have to wonder for long however, soon Neil got tired of being ignored and opened his mouth. 

And was that a sight to see, little 5'3 Neil sitting there, casually firing of insult by insult with the same ease as if he were talking about the weather to the self-proclaimed king of exy and national televison. Andrew could tell that Neil's desire to run had stepped aside for another, stronger desire to protect Kevin, something Andrew could respect. 

Andrew didn't relax but he considered the odds that Riko would be a physical threat to Kevin, and at the moment they were low. He had never promised Kevin he would protect him from Riko's words ad seemingly Neil had taken over that part either way. 

When the interview was over an Kathy and come to say her goodbyes Neil earned extra points in Andrew's eyes by placing himself between Kevin and Riko and pushed Kevin towards the wing. Andrew couldn't figure out why Neil had stood up for Kevin, and while he didn't like not knowing he pushed that aside for now. Neil had backed up Kevin when Andrew couldn't had he respected that. 

Riko wouldn't leave neither of them alone off stage after Neil's performance Andrew knew and tried to make is way back as soon as possible. He came back just in time to see Neil grab Riko's shirt and haul him back. 

"Leave him alone" 

When Riko reached for Neil Kevin caught his arm to stop him, landing him a elbow in the face. 

"Riko" Andrew said, spreading his arms as if he intended to hug Riko "It's been awhile" 

Riko started to collect his feauters until he saw who had joined them then his mask fell once again 

"We were just talking about you" Riko said in a nasty voice they way you would say you had just talked about something discusting and revolting. 

Andrew seemed unfazed. 

"With your fists, it seems. Don't touch my things, Riko. I don't share." 

Shoving Neil he signalled for him to get Kevin out of the room and Neil did so quickly. 

He wanted to make sure Riko knew exactly what happened when one touched Andrew's people but he had the cold calmness running in his bones stopping him from doing it. He's deal with Kevin was to protect him, not actively go after the people who hurt him. 

He ran to catch up with Kevin and Neil and get the both out them out of there. 

"… I didn't mean you should pick a fight with Riko on national television, should I have spelled that out beforehand?" 

"Probably" said Neil 

Andrew stepped forward 

"It's fine, Coach" He ran his fingers over the small of Neil's back as he passed, a silent reassurance or maybe a thank you but didn't slow down on his way over to Kevin. 

"Kevin, we're going. Right now, okay?" 

When they got back to the foxhole, Andrew's cold calmness had come to an end. Still drugged up to high heaven he couldn't stop smiling even though he felt as if though he was burning up inside. 

He hadn't been able to protect Kevin 

He was frustrated, angry and carried pent up energy that had no outlet. On top of it all drugs wouldn't let him feel anything of this purely. Andrew missed feeling his feeling undiluted, however bad they were better than this drugged state. 

Kevin said he was sorry and Andrew put his fist through the window. 

Then he sent Nicky after Neil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading,  
> nice comments keeps me going!


	3. The rabbit

Andrew jumped up on the dressers in front of the window while he waited for Neil to come in. He had made his decision the minute Neil defended Kevin when Andrew could not. If Neil had that effect on Kevin he was what Andrew needed to keep Kevin safe

"You could have destroyed your hand with a stunt like that" Andrew laughed. He hated laughing, it was only the drugs and it reminded him of how little of himself he was allowed to be.

"Oh my, where would I be then?"

"Off the team. Where would Kevin be then?"

He hated that Neil was right.

A new smile broke his face, wide enough to bare his teeth and he suppressed a laugh.

Convincing Neil he needed protecting wouldn't be the easiest thing. Neil was a runaway it was in his blood, getting him to stay would be like chaining down the wind but Andrew needed it. Neil needed it too, this time he wouldn't be able to run. No matter where he ran Riko would find him. In a couple days Riko would know everything there was to know about Neil and he would use it to crush him like a bug given the chance. With what Neil had told him that could have a very dreadful end.

He told Neil that and Neil turned to leave. Andrew grabbed him by the collar to stop him

"You can't outrun your past anymore"

"I have to try"

Andrew couldn't help to hum in mock disapproval.

"Have to nothing. There you go again thinking there is only one choice. I thought you didn't want to leave"

"I don't want to"

Then fight for it, Andrew wanted to say but he knew that's not how Neil worked. Neil didn't fight. He had accepted his role in life a long time ago, and he had accepted that it would end with him dead in his own blood. He ran to outlast as long as he could but he didn't and wouldn't fight to stay alive. He had done nothing but survive and never would unless Andrew convinced him to stay. Not that Andrew cared how Neil did or didn't live his life but he needed Neil to keep Kevin safe.

"What would it take to make you stay"

_I'll give you anything_

Neil finally turned back with a shocked expression.

"What?"

"Name it and it's yours. It doesn't matter as long as you stand your ground there with us."

"I can't"

Andrew wanted to grab Neil by the shoulders and force him to listen, to understand. Instead he started to explain just how Neil could stay because he knew that deep down Neil was tired for running. If he weren't he would never have signed on their team in the first place. All he could do was to hope Neil listened to reason. At least Andrews version of reason.

Riko wouldn't be able to out Neil yet, nothing could interfere from the showdown between Riko and Kevin. Coach Moriyiama wouldn't allow it. All Neil needed to do was to make himself as a big deal as possible. Provoke outrage, make himself know. Make them hate him, make them love him, Andrew didn't care as long as Neil ended up in the spotlight. As long as he were in the spotlight it would be harder to kill him off quietly. For one year he would stand between Neil and the Moriyamas as long as he stood by Kevin's side. If Neil could keep Kevin with the foxes Andrew would never need to break his promise to Kevin. Even Andrew couldn't protect Kevin from within the Nest and he wasn't compliant enough to keep Kevin interested in the foxes. However Neil might just be, maybe not compliant, but enough interested in exy on his own to keep Kevin's attention.

That much he didn't tell Neil so when Neil asked him why he offered his protection he told him to as later, just now he needed to strike the deal.

"It's better if this isn't in the way, don't you think? You'll get your answers in Colombia. Oh, but no one told you yet, did they? You're coming out with us tonight."

"Never again."

"Shh, Neil, shh. If you want to stay you'll come to us at nine. If you're stupid enough to run, pack up and leave before then. Three hours, almost, for you to make up your mind. Aren't I generous?"

"That's not enough time"

"I doubt you're a stranger to snap judgments when it comes to saving your skin. You gave your game to Kevin. Give your back to me."

Neil left after that and Andrew couldn't decide whether or not he would see Neil again.

Three hours later Andrew opened up the door to find Neil.

"Oh, he made it. How interesting."

He pressed to his fingers to Neil throat to feel his pulse and was pleased to feel it jumping under his skin despite Neil's cool façade. He leaned into Neil's space.

"Remember this feeling. This is the moment you stop being the rabbit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading  
> Nice comments keeps me going
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr at elfiethewicked


	4. The Fall Banquet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to take a break with the story over Christmas but I will be back after that

 

The fall banquet was a cold shower for Andrew, hearing Jean so easily toss around the names that had been etched into his own skin made him burn all through with anger.   

 

 _Alex?_  

 _Stefan?_  

 _Chris?_  

 

As if they meant nothing at all. Which they didn't Andrew reminded himself. 

 

He fisted his hands under the table, itching for a smoke. This was supposed to be over, the names on his arms were supposed to be long forgotten. He had stopped believing in soulmate at the same time Nathaniel disappeared.  

 

With a manic smile on his face he called Jean over and shook his hand. He ravelled in the way Jean's cool facade crumbled to an irritated look under the crush of Andrew's hand. He didn't let go of Jean's hand as the insults started to pour out and he held his gaze through the whole scene the two teams made together. It made it easier to not look at Neil. He hadn't asked for a soulmate and was sure as hell not going to have one.  

 

However Riko had obviously said one word to much because then Neil opened his damn mouth drawing all attention back to him. It only took him a shorth speech to shut down the Ravens and their leader and Andrew, ever the instigator, had to admire his antagonistic abilities. Soon however, to Andrew's dislike, Jean, Kevin and Neil switched to French and he couldn’t keep up with the conversation anymore. He could see on their faces that no one in the trio liked where the conversation headed and suddenly Kevin stumbled backwards with a horrified look on his face. When Abby followed him out he promised her that the foxes would have Neil but he wasn't so sure. Neil look very far from okay and Andrew had already learned that things didn't go well when Neil wasn't okay and as much as Andrew liked fighting he had a feeling this was one Neil shouldn't get involved it and, after all, Andrew had promised he'd have his back. He wanted to confront Neil about it because that would involve him getting involved and he could find it in him to care enough. Besides he couldn't confront Neil about lying without either telling Neil about the changing names on his arm or lying, and Andrew didn't lie. 

 

When Kevin came back with a vodka made spine he Neil and Andrew started to roam to room. Andrew soon got bored of faked smiles and polite conversations and couldn't help but to let out a manic smile when Riko and the Ravens came up to them.  

 

 _Finally_  

 

When the ravens cornered Neil the foxes held their promise and stood up for him leaving Andrew to focus on Kevin who still looked like he had been struck by lightning. 

 

It didn't take long for another scene to break out and this time it wasn't even Neil's doing. Andrew watched with a smile as Dan kneed a raven after a especially rude comment. It was all good and well and even entertaining until a booming voice cut through the chatter. 

 

"Kevin Day" 

 

Andrew was on immediate alert against this new threat . 

 

Coach Tetsuji Moryiama stood in front of them an held all of Andrew's attention so he didn't notice when Neil went of with Riko and Jean. 

 

When Coach Moryiama moved on after his 'I am very disappointed in you' speech that left Kevin even more shaken he immediately noticed Neil's absence. He steered Kevin to the corner of the court and scanned the room with a bored expression. He didn't except to see Neil or see him ever again. His fingers were itching for a smoke again. 

 

Suddenly Neil and Matt came back to the court and made their way over to Andrew and Kevin. Andrew stopped scanning the room and locked his eyes on Neil. 

 

"Oh, Neil came back. I didn’t think you would" 

 

Neil took out his fist out of his pockets an uncurled it relieving the phone. 

 

"I made a different call this time" Neil replied in German. 

 

Andrew laughed and rocked on his feet. "How interesting. How unexpected. Did it hurt a little?" 

 

"Not as much as my next conversation with Kevin will" 

 

Andrew had expected that. Just as he expected he'd be left out of it. 

 

"Not tonight. I'll give him to you tomorrow"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading
> 
> Nice comments keeps me going
> 
> Come visit me at tumblr at elfiethewicked


	5. The halftime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For once i didn't borrow dialogue from the book,
> 
> This is sort of a chapter in between waiting as it will be a few days before i can update again ;

Neil started to settle in with the foxes after that, whatever his an Kevin's conversation was about it had upset Kevin but settled down Neil. 

 

Andrew had no illusions as to why. Neil was a strange type of suicidal and accepted on coming death easily while Kevin feared it, even if it wasn't his. Or maybe Neil decided to trust Andrew and his protection, maybe he had decided that he was safe this year out as long as he followed Andrew's rules. Andrew didn't care. 

  

The time Neil spent familiarising himself with the foxes Andrew spent thinking. 

 

Two things were obvious at this point: Neil was his soulmate and Neil was also lying about his past. Andrew spent this time figuring out whether he should act on either one of these things. 

 

In the end it came down to a simple answer: Renee 

 

Andrew and Renee ran around the court together before every training and one day he paced himself with her and folded up his t-shirt sleeve to revel the tattoo. He didn't say anything and neither did Renee. For a while. 

 

After another lap and a half she apparently had decided on what she wanted to say. 

 

"Is that why? She asked still looking forward 

 

"No." 

 

They fell quiet again, went another lap. 

 

"He's lying." 

 

"How can you be sure?" 

 

"The name changed" 

 

"Look, I don’t know about Neil's past, nor do I want you to tell me but maybe, maybe he didn't lie. We both know you wouldn't ask for details, maybe this is one of them." 

 

"He's lying." 

 

"Is he dangerous?" 

 

Andrew considered that for a moment. 

 

"No" 

 

"Will you still have him?" 

 

"Yes" 

 

 _I'm not letting him go_  

 

"Andrew," Renee had stopped. Annoyed Andrew stopped as well. Placing herself so that Andrew hid her from view of the others she pulled up her shorts. On the top of her thigh her soulmate tattoo was placed. She look up in Andrews eyes and tapped her own tattoo.  

 

"This doesn't mean anything, Andrew. It doesn't mean he owns you, or that you own him.  It's not that kind of marking, remember that." 

 

"Then what does it mean?" 

 

"That maybe you two could do some good for each other." 

 

"He's broken." 

 

"So are you." 

 

"Exactly." 

 

They ended that lap and re-joined the rest of the team. 

 

Andrew decided to do nothing about neither.  Neil was lying and while Andrew didn't like being lied to he wasn't sure if Neil just withheld unnecessary information. Then came the issue with the soulmate. Which really wasn't an issue at all decided Andrew, because, as Renee has said, it meant nothing. It was nothing. Andrew didn't have a soulmate. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading
> 
> Nice comments keeps me going
> 
> Come visit me at tumblr at elfiethewicked


	6. The Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been awhile since i've updated and i'm sorry this chapter is so short but life happened.

October came and with it the match against the Ravens. Andrew could practically taste the tension in the locker room and he kept a keen eye on Kevin to see if he could do this. At the same time he kept glancing at Neil in the corner of my eye. He didn't seem scared they way Kevin did, or  suicidaly calm. He just seemed as nervous as the rest of the team.  Kevin on the other hand seemed terrified but as he said when Abby asked him: if he was breathing he could play. Words to live and die by according to Wymack. 

 

"Andrew, for once in your miserable midgety life play like you want us to win, would you?" 

 

This request was amusing to Andrew, why would this game matter more to Andrew than any other, all that mattered to Andrew was that he was getting off the drugs.  However he still knew the risks here, he couldn't keep Riko off Kevin on the court and he guessed he wasn't the only one thinking that as both Neil and Kevin jumped when the warning buzzer went off. 

 

The ran laps and drills ad then took their places on court. However Riko didn't take his place on court immediately but stopped in front of Kevin and took off his helmet. Kevin then did the mistake of taking off his helmet as well. Andrew let the stare down  happen reminding himself once again that Kevin's psychological well being wasn't is concern, but when Kevin still didn't move after Riko had walked away he slammed is racquet against the goal twice and finally Kevin shook back to life and put his helmet on. 

 

He let the first score in the drugs twisting his teammates shocked faces into something funny. But the more and more the drug wore of the better he played but soon the abstinence started to settle in and the sickness made it hard to predict the ravens game and more goals slipped past. When it was over he couldn’t even stand straight. The team came over and with them Riko who delivered a speech on how the whole thing was embarrassing. To everyone's surprise Kevin stood up for Riko. 

 

"I'm satisfied. Not with the score or the performance, but with their spirit. I was right. There's more here to work with"  

 

It didn't shut the Ravens up but it didn't seem to face Kevin. Maybe exy could be good for something anyway, maybe it could help Kevin grow up a bit, grow out of being a raven.   

 

Andrew could feel his stomach twisting and turning so when Kevin extended his hand towards him he hesitated before taking it. One wrong move now and it would be revealed that he was off his drugs and then he would be back in Prosts' hands. He took a breath and took Kevin's hand and hauled himself up. Renee immediately wrapped her arms around him in a hug, giving him a chance to find his balance and then kept her arm wrapped around him as she lead him to the locker room. He made a beeline for the bathroom and emptied his stomach content in the toilet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading
> 
> Nice comments keeps me going
> 
> Come visit me at tumblr at elfiethewicked


	7. The past make a visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been altered

Nicky had been talking about Halloween non-stop for weeks now. Eden's Twilight was having an event the Friday before and the monsters were going which meant Andrew was dragged along into costume shopping in order to protect Kevin. He entertained himself by pulling down the costumes from the racks onto the floor. 

 

"We should invite the others  to come with us," Neil suddenly said.  

 

"Nicky turned to stare at Neil, half in shock half in wonder. "What?" 

 

Aaron protested but Andrew's interest had peaked. 

 

"We need them, talent alone won't get us to the semi-finals. If that was enough, you'd have made it last year. You have to stop breaking this team in half. 

 

"Don't have to anything," Andrew replied 

 

"I'm not asking you to be friends with them, I'm asking you to give an inch." 

 

"Give them an inch and they'll take a mile." 

 

"Neil almost let out a laugh, "You really think they're strong enough to take a mile from Andrew? You think he'd let them?"  

 

Andrew made up his mind, if Neil asked Matt what happened between them, and they still said yes they were free to come along. 

 

Andrew genuinely wondered if the upperclassmen would come along. He didn't regret what he did to Matt, partly because it worked and partly because Andrew didn't believe I regret or revenge. What was done was done nothing you did could change that, so why bother trying? 

 

He had taken care of Matt' problem and everyone just thought it was because he had had some psychotic kind of fun in breaking Matt to build him up. That wasn't the case Renee knew, and thanks to her everyone else now knew too, not that he held it against her.  

 

Andrew was not allowed to fight his addiction, he wanted nothing more than to quit even when withdrawal kicked in and he would kill for his drugs he wanted to quit. Matt was allowed to fight his addiction but couldn't do it on his own. So Andrew made sure he didn't have to do it on his own. He gave Matt a scare of a lifetime and it had worked. Matt was now clean while Andrew wasn't. 

 

There was another reason however that they did not know about; that Aaron's own sobriety would've crashed if he had to watch Matt fall under his addiction. Andrew couldn't let that happen; he had a promise to keep

 

They went back to costume shopping and Nicky made it his mission to dress Neil up as something. 

 

"I'll dress up as a collage student." 

 

"No! You are going to be a zombie cowboy." 

 

"You are making that up." 

 

"Shhhh, you are absolutely impossible to put up with sometimes. I might ban you from shopping with us ever again." 

 

"I tried banning myself last time, it obviously didn't work." Neil replied 

 

 

When Andrew came back to the fox tower Officer Higgins form Oakland PD was there. He knocked on the monsters door and after a short conversation that ended with "Drake," "How many kids, Pig?" And "Six since you" 

 

Andrew pushed past Higgins  and ran up the stairs knowing that Higgins would follow. 

 

"I  have nothing to say" 

 

"Andrew I know what he did to you" 

 

"You don't know anything, that why you are here; because you need me to tell you what happened but I've already told you - I have nothing to say" 

 

"Andrew, please" 

 

"You know how I hate that word, our conversation is over, now do I need to walk you out to make sure that you leave?" 

 

"I'll leave." 

 

Andrew walked back down the stairs to find the foxes waiting from him. 

 

"A welcome party or the inquisition?" He wondered. 

 

"Why are the police here for you?" Dan asked him. 

 

"I'm not in trouble dear captain. The pig is just to incompetent to make his case without some outside help. Don't try to make this your business, okay? I won't let you." Andrew warned. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading
> 
> Nice comments keeps me going
> 
> Come visit me at tumblr at elfiethewicked


	8. The request

 

Halloween came and went without any notable event and with November came the twins birthday. Birthdays weren't really Andrews thing, he hadn't had the chance to celebrate them before Cass. The one year he spent with her was the first and the last birthday he celebrated, afterwards he went to juvie where birthdays weren't really a thing and after that all that he didn't feel like there was anything to celebrate but maybe another year survived. 

 

This year he decided to spend it by his window smoking trying not to think about that one birthday he had or how Drake had decided to give him a special gift 

 

He was exceedingly bored when Neil came in to the cousins suite.  Neil requested that he'd talk to him and Andrew decided to give him two minutes. 

 

They went into the cousins' bedroom and closed the door behind them. 

 

"Tick tock, you have my attention; now keep my interest." 

 

"Nicky's mother called." 

 

"Oops, time's up." 

 

Neil held out an arm blocking Andrew from leaving thought they both knew Andrew could easily toss him aside.  

 

"Nicky's mother invited him home for Thanksgiving," Neil said. 

 

"He said yes. Oh, Nicky, an optimist until the day he dies. You'd think he would know better by now, but he'll go and come back boo-hoo-hoo. Their love has a price tag he can't pay. He won't give Erik up for them." 

 

"They're not after Erik this time," Neil said. "They're bartering for you. Nicky can't go unless he brings you and Aaron with him." 

 

Andrew's smiled brightly. "Problem solved. Denied. Maybe Abby will cook us a turkey instead. She  

did last year. She's a decent cook but can't bake to save her life. We'll have to bring a frozen pie again." 

 

"Why won't you go?" 

 

"Why would I? Luther and I aren't friends." 

 

"Last I checked, we're not your friends either. You still put up with us, so why won't you tolerate Luther? Nicky assumes it has to do with the way you met, but Luther's the one who got you out of juvie and back home with your mother, isn't he?" 

 

"She was not my mother. Cass, though, Cass? Cass would have been. She really wanted to be. Oh, you don't know. Here's a story for you, Neil. Listening? Cass wanted to keep me."  

 

And hadn't that been the kicker, he would've had a home. A family. Someone had wanted him. He would've given anything to have that, or so he had thought. In the end what he would've given away something that wasn't his to give. 

 

"She wanted to adopt me. Andrew Joseph Spear, she said. She collected all the paperwork but she wouldn't file without my consent. She thought I was old enough to choose." 

 

"Spear, Like—" 

 

"Richard Spear," He finished for Neil. "I told you all about him, yes? My last foster father." 

 

"You mentioned him. What happened to make the adoption fall through, your arrest?" 

 

"No, you have it backwards. I went to juvie because she wanted to adopt me."He had given gone to  

 

 But she didn't give up on me. She thought a stable home could straighten me out, she said. Her biological son wanted to join the Marines after high school, so she even offered to reallocate part of his college fund to me. She wanted me to have a future. My own Stephanie Walker, of a sort." 

 

Andrew smiled a mocking smile and rocked onto the balls of his feet and reached for Neil. He could feel Neil all but tense under his hands  that wrapped around Neil's neck. Andrew made sure not to press to hard, made sure to not cut of air. He kept his thumb on Neil's pulse tapping along to it repeating the mantra Bee had given him. 

 

 _I am here. South Carolina,_ _Palmetto University, The fox tower.  The 4th of N_ _ovember. My birthday.I'm with Neil_ _Josten_ _. I am safe._  

 

"Luther would have let her have me if it was what I wanted. He knew Aaron's mother wanted nothing to do with me, but he wanted to make things right with me somehow. If Cass was 'right', he would fight on her behalf to get the adoption approved. Couldn't have that, could we?" 

 

"Why not? What did Cass do to you?" 

 

Andrew searched Neil's face for moment. "Cass would never do anything to me." 

 

"Then what went wrong?" 

 

"That's a different story. This story is about Cass and Luther, isn't it? Luther said he could send me back to Cass. I gave him a secret to make sure he wouldn't." 

 

"And he told someone." 

 

"No." Andrew tapped his fingers a little faster, reminding himself again where and when he were. "That's too easy. These kinds of secrets are not given out lightly. You know that. We calculate collateral damage and escape routes. We plan and brace for the reaction and fallout. But Luther did not tell. He chose to not believe me at all. And that's a thousand times worse, you see." 

 

"That depends on the secret." 

 

"True, maybe it comes as a surprise to you, Neil, but I am not a very trusting person. If I tell a man the sky is blue and he tells me I am wrong, I am not inclined to give him a second chance. I see no reason to." He let go from Neil and turned away. 

 

And yet here he was, listening to Neil, trusting Neil with secrets that wasn't really secrets, talking to Neil, waiting to see the point of the conversation, all that knowing he was talking to a liar. 

 

"So did Luther not believe you or did he say you were wrong?" Neil asked. "There's a significant difference between the two." 

 

"Oh." Andrew turned around again. "Sometimes I forget you are sharper than you look." 

 

"He said it was a misunderstanding." 

 

Everything in Andrew froze for a second. 

 

 _Misunderstanding._  

 

"Shh, Shh, don't say that. I hate the sound of that word. I warned you once so you'd know better than to use it again. Why would you risk it?" 

 

"Andrew,"  

 

"No." Andrew shut him down  

 

Neil was quiet for a moment before he surprised Andrew with asking if he could meet Luther, if he was allowed to come along. He appealed to Andrew's non-existent attention span and Andrew couldn't help but take the bait. 

 

Being bored when on drugs were worse then the drugs themselves. Being bored was torture normally but when on drugs it was a million ants crawling in his skin, a whirlwind in his head and a constant screaming in his ears.  

 

"We're all going to regret this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading
> 
> Nice comments keeps me going
> 
> Come visit me at tumblr at elfiethewicked


	9. The misguided accusation

They had stopped by the largest exy store in the state to buy a new, heavier racquet for Neil. With a employee sucking up to Kevin and Nicky and Aaron gone to investigate the bargain bins Andrew and Neil was left alone too look at the racquets.

“They don’t feel right,” Neil muttered

“A tear for your discomfort,” Andrew replied.

“And you said I have no team spirit”

Andrew grinned and shrugged. “Never said I did either. You’re the fool who gave him your game. Reap what you sow or burn the field down, the choice is yours. Be smarter next time, would you?”

“I’m not the only one; he told we why he stayed. He told me what he promised you? So how are you any different from me if you’re in it for Exy too?”

“Oh, Neil, it’s like this: He asks you and you give- okay, okay, okay. He asks and I refuse, absolutely not. I’m waiting for him to give up. He has to walk away eventually.”

“Do you really want him to? Haven't enough people walked away from you already because of your condition? He can't wait for you to be sober again. How many people can you say that about?"

"It is very self-serving excitement," Andrew said. "He wants something. He stands to gain, or so he thinks."

"So what happens if he's right? What happens if you wake up and you realize Exy really is exciting and worth your time? Will you lie just so you can keep refusing him, or will you give in and admit he's won?"

Andrew laughed. "I never took you for a dreamer. You are so strange sometimes."

"I saw the way you played against Edgar Allan," Neil said. "For a moment it looked like it meant something to you."

"Oh, Neil."

"That's not an answer."

"That wasn't a question," Andrew said. "It was a misguided accusation." 

"Here's a real question: how have you survived this long when you're so violently self-destructive?”

Andrew cocked his head to the side. No one asked Andrew questions like that. No one cared or noticed that Andrew imposed a danger to himself – they ever only saw the danger he imposed to others.

"You told me Cass would never hurt you and would have given you a good education, but you sabotaged your adoption. Officer Higgins came all the way here from the west coast to fix something from your past but you won't help him. You left juvie and killed Aaron's mother to protect him, but instead of fixing your relationship with him you keep him on a leash. You don't want Nicky's parents to hurt him, but you won't let him into your family either. Kevin promised to invest in you but you won't even try. So what is it? Are you afraid of your own happiness or do you honestly like being miserable all the time?"

Andrew longed for a smoke almost as much as he longed to wrap his hands around Neil’s neck to stop him from saying things like that. No one cared about Andrew, they cared about what Andrew did to others, how Andrew acted around others, how Andrew affected other but one cared about Andrew. That’s was the way things were supposed to be, why would Neil go on and change that. Why was he so interested in Andrews life and happiness?

Instead of giving Neil the satisfaction of a reaction he put a blinding smile on his face and leaned forward.

“Neil, look. Do I look miserable?” Andrew said pointing to his own face.

“You look drugged within an inch of your life and when you are not medicated you’re drinking or dusting. When they finally take your medicine away, who are you going to hurt, really?”

Andrew laughed. A manic reaction to a disturbing statement. Because Neil was right. The haze of the drugs kept him from ever getting angry or sad or broken, but who was the one he would take those feelings out on? The drugs made it easy not to feel, as did the alcohol and dust, what would Andrew do when he was forced to feel again? For someone so oblivious Neil was too observant for his own good.

“I remember why I don’t like you.”

“I’m surprised you forgot”

“I didn’t, I just got distracted for a moment there”

It wasn’t long after that Kevin took them to the practice court and Neil tested his new heavier racquet out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading
> 
> Nice comments keeps me going
> 
> Come visit me at tumblr at elfiethewicked


	10. The dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER IS THE REASON FOR THE RAPE/NONCON WARNING ON THE FIC!  
> Nothing that doesn't happen in canon will happen but it is from Andrews point of view so there will be more graphic descriptions. If you don't wanna read such content I suggest you skip this chapter in its entirety.
> 
> Aside for that; to write this chapter i tore the heart out of my chest so i hope you enjoy your dose of pain.

The Hemmick house was a poster example of what a white suburban house should look like. A clean cut, vibrant green lawn accompanying the pale blue house. Not a plant, stone or decoration out of place. The Hemmicks were fit in just as well. After awkward greetings that showed just how little the Hemmicks cared about their son’s life and just how little Andrew tolerated them they were ushered straight to the dinner table.

The table had eight seats, three to each side and a seat at either end. The Hemmicks would take each end of the table judging by the lacy handkerchief at one of the seats. Nicky placed himself in the middle with a chair on each side of him, creating some distance between him and his parents. Without a word to each other Kevin and Neil stuck Andrew between them to keep the Hemmicks out of arms reach from him. As they started saying grace Andrew casually leaned back in his chair and drummed the tines of his fork against the table. He had no respect to this family and he would in his outmost make sure that it showed.

The conversation started with Luther asking Neil if he was religious and went on from there. Andrew kept a close eye on the whole setting waiting for the bomb to go off, waiting and looking for what he could do to redirect the blast onto Luther and Maria Hemmick rather than Nicky. He piped up with a simple “Luther” when the line was beginning to be crossed. It was all he said but it was all it took for Luther to send him a wary glance. He stayed silent until Luther crossed the line again.

Andrew leaned forward with a smile “Enlighten us, if the first step isn’t tolerance, where does a pair of bigots begin in fixing a mess like this?”

“With reparations for past mistakes. That is why you are here.”

“Oh, no. I am only here because Neil whined at me until I agreed to come along. Leave me out of this.”

Luther frowned and Maria held up a calming hand. “Let’s eat. This kind of conversation is too difficult on an empty stomach. We'll eat and try again, and then reward our efforts with dessert. There is pie in the oven. Apple, Nicholas. It used to be your favourite."

They ate to the buzzing conversations about people Andrew couldn’t care less about. Towards the end of the dinner Andrew pushed back his chair and went inside knowing Luther would follow.

The conversation with Luther wasn’t pleasant and Andrew screamed through the most of it, but he was promised a vodka bottle waiting for him upstairs as an apology and though Andrew had no intention of forgiving anything he wanted the bottle, if so only to forget this whole conversation ever happened. So, he went up the stairs to the guest bedroom.

Andrew just barely had entered the room when something hard hit him in his temple and he felt his knees give under.

When Andrew came to, Drake, _Drake_ , was on top of him working to remove Andrew’s pants. Suddenly he was twelve again and back in the Spears’ house. Drake looked up and saw that Andrew was awake. Quickly Drake covered Andrews mouth with one of his hands.

“Shh, darling, it’s only one more time, for old time sakes. Besides you don’t want your friends downstairs to find you like this, do you? It’s a pity I couldn’t get my hands on that brother of yours I know he’s here and it would be – “

Andrew was back in the present with a jolt. Aaron; he couldn’t let him touch Aaron. Since Drake’s hands were busy with Andrews fly and mouth Andrew’s own were free. He brought them up and scratch his nails in Drake's face, arms, chest anywhere he could reach. Drake removed the hand from Andrew’s mouth, still Andrew couldn’t bring himself to scream for help, who would care to help him anyway? Andrew saw the vodka bottle he’d been promised in the corner of his eye, saw in slow motion how it hit is forehead and then felt himself go limp.

Drake removed Andrew’s pants quickly and with the expertise of someone who had done that several times before. He flipped Andrew over to his stomach and when Andrew came to and did his best to fight back Drakes hand came up and pinned both of Andrew’s hands to the headboard. He knew what was coming, he felt his whole body tense up, he trashed, tried to turn, anything to stop it but Drake was larger and all muscle keeping Andrew pinned down to the bed with his body weight alone. Drake’s pants were already gone, probably from before Andrew woke up the first time, a hand caressed his back, a loud crash at the door and his head was pressed down ear-deep into a bloodstained pillow. He heard Drake scream something at the intruder, fought against the sheet to get up and then a thud and then another as Drake’s body fell onto Andrew. 

He felt the weight shift on him, he heard the sickening wet crunch of bones breaking and suddenly he was laughing. A manic, uncontrollable laugh starting with relief and ending with the sound Drake had made when his eyeball was crushed into his skull. His mind was racing and frozen in place at once. He felt too large for his skin, uncharacteristic panic was settling in his bones making him hysteric, and on top of that he had is medication repressing his emotion and together it all made the whole situation seem so _funny_.

Suddenly someone was at his side freeing him from Drake's body.

“Hey,” Neil’s voice was cutting through the haze and Andrew tried his best to focus on that rather than the hysterical laughter ringing in his ears. 

“Andrew. Andrew, are you-“ In lieu of continuing Neil pulled the sheets over Andrew to his shoulders. 

That small act of consideration, so alike Neil, along with his voice brought Andrew a bit out of his uncontrollable state and he could stop laughing.

“Got quiet all of a sudden” He was surprised. Suddenly there was no whispered threats in his ear, no sound of skin against skin, not even any screaming in his head. He let go of the headboard and flexed his fingers. He planted his hands against the mattress ad tried pushing himself upright. Halfway the absurdity of the situation came over him again and he started laughing again.

In his whole life, no one ever saved him, no one had cared enough to want to. Maybe Cass would’ve but would she really have chosen him over her son? Andrew didn’t think so. In his whole life, he had endured, trying to survive what they did to him, trying not to feel, it made so much sense that the soulmate Andrew had stopped believing when he came into Drakes hands would be the one to save him from them. 

Of course, he would be the one, because in Andrews fucked up life, who would care enough but a suicidal exy junkie on the run?  
Now looking down on the bloody mess his face had left on the pillow he started laughing. 

“Oh, oh, that’s unpleasant. I am not a fan of this at all.”

It took some struggling but he finally got himself upright, and when the sheet started to slip of his shoulders Neil was there to pull it up.

Andrew gave him a bemused look.

_Why did he care so much?_

He felt Neil’s glance and looked his way.

“I think I’m concussed. Either that or this is a new side effect of my medication the doctors forgot to warn me about. If I throw up on you it’s only half-intentional.”

A strangled noise that sounded vaguely like Andrews name brought Andrew’s attention from Neil to Aaron.

Andrew snaked a hand out of the sheets and gestured for Aaron to come closer but when Aaron moved to get closer to his brother, Andrew tried to move away, only to be stopped by his stomach violently revolting He threw up all over the floor as Neil helped him push forward so he wouldn’t choke on his own vomit.

“Andrew,” Aarons voice was desperate as he clung to Andrews arm. “Andrew, I didn’t–he- “ 

Andrew took a few deep breaths to clear his lungs before finally managing to sit upright again. 

“Quiet, quiet. Quiet. Look at me.” He placed a hand Aaron’s bloody shirt and his blood ran cold.  
_Drake._ what had he-? When? How long had Andrew been out between the takes? He remembered Drake saying something about wanting Aaron too but he didn’t think…

“It’s everywhere. What did he do?”

“It’s not mine, it’s not mine. It’s-Andrew, he- “

Andrew touched Aarons temple searching for an injury that wasn’t there. “Did he touch you?”

“What did he- “

“Answer me. I said, did he touch you?” It was Andrew’s voice that was desperate this time.

“No”

“I’m going to kill him,” Andrew said, voice cold.

“He is already dead,” Neil said next to him but Andrew kept his eyes on Aaron.

“That explains the silence, but that’s not who I meant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading
> 
> Nice comments keeps me going
> 
> Come visit me at tumblr at elfiethewicked


	11. the aftermath

There were footsteps in the stairs again, too many to be just Kevin’s and soon Nicky and Kevin ran in the room. Nicky didn’t so much run into the room as he flew. By Neil’s warning he stayed on the floor but he reached for Andrew’s face. Andrew wasn’t fast enough to recoil and Nicky cradled his face in his hands. 

“Andrew what happened? Are you okay? Jesus, there is so much blood. Are you- “ 

“Nicky,” Andrew interrupted Nicky’s frantic rambling. “I need to talk with your father, you have two seconds to get out of the way”

Andrew hadn’t as much seen Luther arrive as he knew, just knew, he was there. Now Andrew didn’t believe in revenge but killing Luther would be nothing but keeping a promise. He had promised to protect Aaron and Luther had put him in the same house as Drake, knowing what Drake had done, what Drake was. Luther had signed his own death sentence the minute he let that happen.

Nicky seemed to become sick at the sight of Drake, but Andrew only laughed.

“One.”

“Nicky, get down” Neil warned and in that moment Andrew realised that Neil knew. He already knew that whole story, he had put it together on his own, just as he had put together what was about to come. However, rather than getting in Andrew’s way Neil cleared it for him. He suspected that if he didn’t kill Luther Neil would, just as if Aaron hadn’t killed Drake Neil would’ve. He stored this information in the back of his mind for later, for now he had more important business at hand than the confusing action of his soulmate.

“Oh, Luther,” Andrew said in a pleasant, delightful voice. “Oh, good. You made it. Saves me the trouble of going downstairs to find you. Hey, as long as you’re here, do you want to explain what Drake is doing here? I can’t wait to hear it. I hope it’s good.”

Andrew had an idea of what might have compelled Luther to bring in Drake in his house but he wanted to have his suspicious confirmed. 

“What in God’s- “

“Oh no. No. Don’t ask that. You know better. You know better.” Andrew felt anger boil up inside him. The word misunderstanding rang inside of his head and he thought of the little boy, the little boy who and looked up at his newly found uncle and done the impossible, he had asked for help. 

Misunderstanding

He leaned forward as far as he could with Neil’s help, Neil’s hand on his shoulder steadying him from falling forward, keeping him upright.

“Looks like I was right about him after all. Or do you still think this is all a big misunderstanding? Go on, tell me again how I’m too unbalanced to understand normal brotherly affection and love. Tell me this natural”

He threw back the exact words Luther had used when he had told him what Drake had done. Eidetic memory or not he would always remember them. He didn’t care about the others’ reactions now, he’s secret was out there in the open and he wanted Luther to answer for one more thing, one more thing he needed to have said.

“Hey Luther. Speaking of misunderstandings, am I remembering this wrong or didn’t you promise me you would talk to Cass? You told me she wasn’t going to foster any more children after me, but apparently, she’s ha more since I left juvie. Six, Luther. I’m no good at math but even I know that six is an awful lot higher than zero. How many do you think were in her house when Drake was home between deployments?”

Now Andrew had come to the part he really wanted to take up, the part that made him go cold and harsh despite the fact that the drugs should make it impossible. “Now you let him to your house, you put him under the same room as your son, as my brother. After everything I did to keep them apart from each other?”

Andrew smiled with vicious glee at Luther, “As soon as I get my balance back I am going to take you apart, Luther. This is the only warning you’re going to get.

In his speech, he had let a few things slip that only he and Neil knew of but now it was out there and the room was positively vibrating with Aaron’s anger and Nicky’s distraught as Aaron screamed for Luther to get out of the room.

He heard the sirens and realised that someone must have called for an ambulance, and thereby the cops. He considered the options for a second then let go of Aaron. He couldn’t wear his armbands when the police showed up, he couldn’t be caught carrying weapons but what would he do with them. Yes, what would he do with them, who would he trust with them? Who did he trust enough to take care of them until he got back, because he knew he would not come back for a long time, he knew they would send him back to Prost, he knew it was Riko who had gotten Drake into the house just as it was Riko that held the leash on Prost. 

At least he would come of the drugs, but what would happen to Kevin meanwhile was the problem. Who could he trust with his knives and who could he trust with Kevin? Who had been watched his back when he hadn’t asked them too? Who had already proved he would protect Kevin?

He stripped of his armbands and dropped them in Neil’s lap and told him to take care of them but Neil didn’t reply.  
He was staring and Andrew’s exposed skin or more correctly the scars they had covered. He grabbed Andrew’s arm and turned it towards him but Andrew stopped him by grabbing Neil’s arm. This was not a secret he was ready to give up yet, he had already given up so many.

“Andrew.”

“Just so we’re clear, I’ll kill you” 

If you don’t let go, if you say anything, if you tell anyone, if you ever bring it up again.

Neil let go of his arm but spread his finger as he did so he would feel the bumped skin. Neil wasn’t stupid, if he wanted to know something he found it out, Andrew reminded himself. He wrangled his arm out of Neil’s grip.

“Get rid of those, pigs don’t like it when people like me carry weapons.”

No there was nothing left to do but wait for his upcoming hell to arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment if you are still reading this fic/want me to continue it.


	12. The return

It was two days after New Year’s when Andrew was released. He was bored. Life without the drugs was boring. He had forgotten how boring existence was. Living, breathing, thinking, it was all so pointless. As much as he had hated the drugs everything had seemed so funny with them, not interesting but funny. Now everything was bleak. All those weeks in Proust’s hands unable to fight back as Proust took and took and took whatever he wanted from Andrew. Proust wouldn’t regret doing so, because he wouldn’t live long enough.

Andrew signed out of his room, and walked down the hallway to the reception. There sitting in two separate couches was Aaron, Nicky, Kevin and Neil. With how Neil looked Andrew knew something had gone off the rails while he was gone but these past months had proved to be a testimony to his ability to control which emotions he showed and which he didn’t. The choice was usually the later and he barely spared the room a glance before he headed towards the door knowing the rest would follow.

He threw the bag of clothes Bee and gotten him in the dumpster on the way to the car. He never wanted to put them on again. Andrew kept on walking towards the car and waited for Nicky when he got there but when Nicky unlocked the car Andrew didn’t get in. He just opened the driver seats door and stood there waiting for Kevin to come and stand in front of him which he did. Kevin looked like he was in one piece but across his cheek he was sporting a still blooming bruise. He could figure out why later, right now he wanted away from this place the fastest he could. 

Andrew got into the car and placed his hand out for Neil to give him the keys he had giving him earlier. As soon as he got them in his hand he moved to start the car but before he could he caught a glimpse of Neil face in the mirror when Nicky grabbed Neil wrist. He had flinched, badly, the way Andrew still did on the inside. They way Andrew did when he slept and all his defences weren’t up. It was a feeling Andrew knew all too well and he couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to make their oh, so intrepid runaway flinch like that at a touch. However, when Nicky tried to bring up the subject regarding Neil he turned on the radio painfully loud. 

After getting back to the fox tower he ordered everyone but Nicky to go inside and then he asked Nicky for the recap of what happened. Nicky rambled on, looking mildly terrified at the parts where he was afraid of Andrew’s reaction. When Andrew didn’t seem to react at all at anything Nicky relaxed a bit. He still seemed a bit nervous in Andrews presence. Andrew didn’t care, being treated as a bomb that might go of in any second was nothing new to him, off or on drugs.

Once they got back into the fox tower and up to their room he interrogated Kevin on how he got his bruises. Nicky claimed that Kevin had deserve them, which Andrew didn’t care about, and that Matt had payed Aarons bail, which Andrew did care about. Then he sent Nicky to get Neil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is a little shorter than usual but there is a big moment in the next chapter that i didn't wanna cut off


	13. The roof

Andrew waited in the stairwell for Neil and when his eyes scanned Neil’s body the stopped at the black armbands in his hand. He took them from Neil when he was within arm’s reach and turned his back to him when he put them on.  Just because Neil had seen his scars before and even figured out why he had put them there didn’t mean he had the right to see them again. They were Andrew’s. One of the most private, personal parts of him. He had already been robbed of his most private when the news caught on with what had happened between him and Drake, would be robbed of it again when he had to testify in the trail against Aaron, he wasn’t going to let any more parts float to the surface without his saying so.

He led Neil up the stairs to the roof and walked up to the edge to look out over campus. Neil pulled out two cigarettes, lit them and handed Andrew one of them. Andrew turned to face him.

“I’ll take that explanation now”

“You couldn’t ask for answers inside where it’s warm?“ No, Andrew couldn’t. He needed to be up here for this, needed to feel the fear sear through his bones, need to be here so he could feel something after those months locked up.

 

He brought his hand up to Neil’s face but let it hover just above touching. He wasn’t sure he could or was allowed to touch Neil.

“Did I break my promise or were you keeping yours.”

“Neither.”

“I know you have had ample time in my absence to come up with your precious lie but I remember I gave you truth on credit in November. It is your turn in our truth game and you will not lie to me.”

“Neither, I spent Christmas and Evermore.” Andrew’s eyes flicked to the bandage on Neil’s cheek ripped it off.

_Oh._

Something in Andrew stirred. He wasn’t sure what but he didn’t like it. As so many other things lately regarding Neil he put it somewhere in the back of his mind, in a file labelled ‘Keep Out’

“This is a new low even for you.”

“I’m not wearing it by choice.”

“You choose to go to Evermore.”

“I came back.”

“Riko let you go.” It was important that Neil understood the different or he might try something like that again. “We are doing too well this season and your feud is too public. No one would have believed you transferred to Edgar Allan mid-season.”

Andrew pressed the bandage against Neil’s face and closed the tape with cold fingers. “You weren’t supposed to leave Kevin’s side. Did you forget?”

“I promised I would keep him safe, I didn’t sat I’d hound him every step like you do. I kept my end of the deal.”

“Not like this, you already said this had nothing to do with Kevin. Why did you go?”

He needed to know, he needed to know what could’ve driven Neil right into what he had spent his life running from. He needed to know what he cared about enough for that.

Neil looked sick but finally spoke up. “Riko said if I didn’t Dr. Proust would- “

Andrew hurried to clap a hand over Neil’s mouth the minute the word Proust came out, partly because he never wanted to hear that name again, hear what Neil thought he had saved Andrew from. Partly because Neil had no right to take that name into his mouth. He had no right to know that part of Andrew’s life.  Neil had to right to take hits from him even if he only believed that he did.  Neil had to right to judge what Andrew could and could not take. Neil was the last person in the world who should make that call, Neil who spent his life running but refuses to run or hide when he should, should not make that call. Andrew could handle what the world threw at him, he would chew up the world and spit it out raw.

“Do not make the mistake of thinking I need your protection.”

“I had to try. If I had the chance to stop it but did nothing, how could I face you again? How could I live with myself?”

There Neil was again with his frustrating empathy and humanity. So misplaced in a pathological liar and runaway.

“Your crumbling psyche is your problem, not mine. I said I would keep you alive this year.  You make it infinitely more difficult for me when you actively try to get yourself killed.”

“You spend all that time watching our backs, who’s watching yours?” Don’t say you are because you and I both know you are take shit care of yourself.” There it was, the words Andrew should’ve seen coming but never would. Because they shouldn’t be there. They shouldn’t be said, they shouldn’t be thought. Neil shouldn’t have to guts to say them to Andrew’s face. No one should worry about Andrew’s back, Andrew’s safety, Andrew’s problems. No one ever had, so why go change a working system?

“You have hearing problems, too many balls to the helmet, perhaps. Can you read lips?” Andrew pointed to his lips and spoke slowly as he articulated the words “The next time someone comes for you, stand down and let deal with it. Do you understand?”

“If it means losing you, then no,” Neil said and everything in Andrew burned.

“I hate you. You were supposed to be a side effects of the drugs.”

“I’m not an hallucination”

“You are a pipe dream. Go inside and leave me alone.”

“You still have my keys” Neil reminded him. Andrew dug Neil’s keys out of his pockets, pried of the car key and tossed the rest of them over the edge of the roof.

"Not anymore"


	14. The Problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, i'm sorry this chapter is so short, i'm just trying to get back to writing at all. Also can you believe that this fic is over 6 months old? Thanks so much for sticking with it :*

Think. Andrew needed to think. A lot had changed when he was gone and all of it was Neil’s doing.

He didn’t really care about the new balance in the team, Aaron had kept his part of the deal and not forgotten that it was them against the world and only them and Kevin wasn’t in any immediate danger because of it so Andrew didn’t care.

However, he didn’t like the power Neil had gained over him. As oblivious as Neil was he had figured out which boundaries he could and could not push just as he had figured out just how many and how often he could push them, even if he hadn’t figured out the reason as to why yet. However, Andrew would bet Neil thought he had figured that out or he would’ve start asking questions. What Neil thought was the reason was another question, and Andrew couldn’t figure out the answer to that one.

He knew how he felt about Neil, an interest, headache, surge in the stomach but it was nothing more than sexual attraction, something that would make Andrew’s life interesting for a while. Andrew been off the drugs when he picked up Neil at the airport, mainly to get a good assessment of him but the minute he saw him there, coloured hair and lenses and all his first thought had been "this could be a problem". Now looking at Neil with his natural hair colour and his real, blue eyes the same colour as Andree’s tattoo, all of him bruised in an attempt to protect Andrew, the thought that rang through Andrew’s brain was, "this is a problem" but that problem could and would be handled.

He knew how Neil felt about him even if Neil didn’t know that himself. The look on his face when he said, “ _not if it means losing you_ ” had shown as much. However, the strange surge in Andrew’s stomach when Neil said that were supposed to be a side effect of the drugs. Neil wasn’t supposed to say things like that, he wasn’t supposed to care like that, he wasn’t supposed to look at Andrew like that, like Andrew was the answer. Andrew wasn’t anyone’s answer. He wasn’t the solution to a problem, he was the problem, he always had been, always would be.

However right now the problem was Neil. Andrew didn’t believe in soulmates but here his was, looking him dead in the eye saying he would rather take any beating rather than let Andrew be hurt. His soulmate. He wondered if Neil knew, if that was why he was so ready to protect Andrew, to defend him, to care about him. Maybe he had some hang up about soulmates, but Neil didn’t seem like a romantic, let alone a hopeless one. Neil was hopeless in many ways but a hopeless romantic wasn’t one of them.

Andrew didn’t think that Neil knew, if he had thought Neil knew he would’ve asked about the changing names. It wasn’t a far stretch from runaway to changing names, but they had started too early for Neil to have made it on his own. Neil withheld information that Andrew couldn’t ask for without giving up that he knew they were soulmates and if Neil didn’t know. If Neil didn’t know and still looked at Andrew like that.

Andrew was for sure not the one who would tell Neil about it.

He lit a new cigarette and took a long drag.

It was playing with fire, Andrew knew that, to think of getting involved with his soulmate, a runaway, and someone who look at Andrew like _that,_ he knew better that that but-

Knowing it was stupid didn’t make it any less tempting; his thing with Roland was strictly sex and that had lasted. Sure, with Roland, there hadn’t been this headache, this surge in the stomach but Roland hadn’t been so _problematic_. Things were different with Neil, of course they were, Neil was family, someone Andrew had sworn to protect, and Roland wasn’t. Roland didn’t actively try to get himself killed either or looked at Andrew like he might be the one good thing left in the world. Things with Neil were bound to be different than with the others. That Neil was his soulmate didn’t have to change a thing. It meant nothing, it was nothing.

With an annoyed huffed he tossed his cigarette after his previous one over the edge. He walked off the edge and laid down on the roof. Spread his arms out and just laid there and felt.

He imagined what falling would feel like, imagined the rush of blood through his veins. He laid there and imagined what it felt like to feel. Fear was the safest feeling there was, so he stayed up there on the roof until nightfall, when all his limbs where stiff from the cold.


	15. The team reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, long time no see. Hehe he. i'm sorry guys but because of personal reasons i left this fandom and therefore gave up on this fic but thanks to a very very verlý lovely comment i got on there yesterday i got that little spark to write again. I hope you aren't to mad at me for not updating.   
> Also i want to clarify that i'm not promising regular updates or so but i will try to keep this fic alive again. I didn't realise how much i've missed it. anyway sorry for rambling, now for the chapter.

 

Andrew’s reunion with the rest of team went as expected. Andrew punched Matt, Neil stepped between and Neil dodged all questions about his injuries. Coach came in and immediately noticed that Allison was missing, and sent Nicky after her.

"Lighten your chair and go check on her," Wymack said. "We've got a lot to go over today and I can't start until she's back. She'll be angrier at us if we start without her than she will be if you interrupt her. And yes, I mean you, Hemmick. I don't want Neil moving more than he has to."

Andrew silently agreed with Coach on that, he didn’t like to look at Neil’s injuries, they reminded him too much of why Neil had chosen to let them happen. The sooner they healed, the sooner Andrew could forget.

"I can walk," Neil said.

"Proud of you," Wymack said. "Didn't ask”

When Nicky had left Andrew dug a fingernail into the hollow of Neil's throat until he had Neil's undivided attention. "Sit down and be still."

Andrew sat down in the couch himself with some effort and probably a lot of pain Neil sat down next to him. He pulled out a knife and started turning it over and over and after a while he saw Neil staring intently at it.

"It is not that fascinating," Andrew said.

"No," Neil agreed.

Still Andrew could see something was off, really off with Neil.

"It's just..." Neil started then trailed of again. "I've never understood why he likes knives."

Andrew’s eyes flew to Renee’s. There was the girl Andrew had first seen when he showed up at the foxhole. Renee had survived what she’d been through in a way that Andrew had the chance to, but now Andrew didn’t look at the girl who had survived the fire, now he looked at the girl he had fought it. The girl who had made sure she would survive, until one day she would have the chance to survive far enough to live again. However, this wasn’t her, this wasn’t the Renee the other foxes knew.

This was the Renee that Andrew sparred with, this was the Renee Andrew had taken to Colombia, this was the Renee Andrew let it as far as Andrew ever let anyone in, this was the Renee who he talked to, this was the Renee he trusted. All because this. This was the Renee who had fallen to the darkest part of her mind, and somehow not only survive what she went through, but also survived who she had to be to do that.

When Renee finally turned her gaze to Andrew he stared at her asking her if she would be able to pull herself back from what she had done, again, but she lifted her chin as if to say, “I know what I did, I’m not proud of it, but I’m not ashamed either.”

Andrew hummed in response and put the knife away. Renee needed to let go of her past, but she never would if she feared knives or what she was capable of doing with them. The knives had long go stopped being just knives. They were a symbol of all that they were capable of overcoming, not only the violence of others but also the violence of themselves. Renee’s raised chin told Andrew that she wouldn’t back down. She wouldn’t let what she had already left behind stop her.

 

Next practice Andrew was frustrated. He was frustrated with everything being so boring, so dull. In all the years on drugs he had forgotten how uninteresting everything was. However, mostly, mostly he was frustrated with Neil.

Frustrated with Neil for going to evermore to protect Andrew; for having secrets Andrew didn’t know how to call him out on without losing a few secrets himself; for being Andrew’s soulmate. He didn’t like any of the above, but Neil made the other problem, the _bore_ , less boring. Andrew guessed that suicidal recklessness and a twisted set of morals old keep things interesting for a while. However, not even Neil, could make exy less boring. Dan and Kevin tried to score on him and he fired of the balls back to their feet. Maybe if one of them broke something he could get out of playing exy. He didn’t think that would help, but he knew it annoyed Kevin, Dan and Coach and that was enough for now.

He saw Neil come out on court walking toward him and he slung the racquet over his shoulders.

"Coach wants to know what you have against the offense line."

Andrew slid a look past Neil to the court wall. "He can ask me himself."

"Or you can answer me since I'm already here," Neil said. "There are only nine of us left. If we lose anyone else we're out of spring championships. You know that."

Andrew stared blankly at Neil for a second. See, Neil like this was boring, Neil like this only cared about exy and Neil like this wasn’t nearly as interesting as the Neil he was off court. With Neil like this, Andrew was bored of the conversation already. Andrew turned his eyes to Wymack. Wymack however, was another issue. He had a lot of guts using Neil like this, using Neil against Andrew, using _Andrew_ against Andrew. The only thing that saved Coach from a slow painful death was that Neil hadn’t figured out how he was being used.

Neil put up a hand in front of Andrew’s face and blocked his view of Coach. "I want us to get to finals. I want us to be the ones who finally bring the Ravens down. After everything Riko's done to us, don't you want that, too?"

You say 'want' so freely, when I have told you a thousand times before I want nothing.” Andrew said partly to remind himself. There was nothing he wanted, not even Neil.

"Probably because you're spending all your energy on not wanting anything," Neil shot back. "But if you can't grasp that simple concept, I'll put this in terms you do understand: this is a game we can't afford to lose. This is how we get to Riko. This is the only thing we can take from him that will actually hurt. Let's rip his rank out of his fingers and show him he had a reason to fear us all along."

"Do your teammates still think you're the quiet one?" Andrew asked. He had misjudged Neil when he first saw him, but oh how their teammates continued to misjudge him. This boy was as far from innocent as someone could come.

"Our teammates," Neil said, with emphasis, "want this as much as I do. Stop cutting them off at the knees before they have the chance to try."

"I don't believe in giving people chances."

"I didn't until I came here," Neil said. "I took a chance on you when I decided to stay. You took a chance on me when you trusted me with Kevin. Is it really that hard to support them when they've been with you every step of the way?"

"What will you give me in exchange for my cooperation?" Andrew asked.

"Because revenge isn't good enough?" Neil asked. "What would it take?"

There was never a doubt for Andrew what he would ask for, he had asked because he knew Neil would offer and in that way, Andrew could ask questions he couldn’t otherwise. This way he could ask, without Neil demanding an “why.”

"Show me your scars."

Neil went quiet for a bit but Andrew already knew he wouldn’t deny him this. Andrew wouldn’t ask Neil for parts he couldn’t give away.

"When?" Neil said at last.

"We are going to Columbia tomorrow," Andrew said. "Now walk away and tell Coach to mind his pay grade. I will not let him get away with this a second time."

 

 


	16. The confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii! so i'm back with another chapter!! ... after over two months smh but like i said in the last chapter, i was on the verge of giving up on this fic but some lovely comments keep the spark going so keep those coming!!!
> 
> anyway, i presume this chapter has been awaited because of a certain scene that appears in it ;)

When it was time to go to Colombia Andrew waited outside of Matt and Neil’s room with a change of clothes for Neil, and as soon as Matt left the room, Andrew stepped in. He handed Neil the bag of clothes and followed Neil into the bathroom. Andrew said nothing but gestured to Neil’s shirt. Neil hesitated but then he struggled out of his shirt. Struggled being the key word, ang Neil got the shirt above his head and his elbows before Andrew stepped in to help him. He tugged the shirt loose and tossed it aside. Next, he ripped off the bandages on Neil’s wrists.

For a moment his mind went blank, then a thousand thoughts came at him at once. That was too many scars. He had known Neil was lying but he hadn’t known to which extent. All of a sudden Neil made a lot more sense, at the same time as he made less sense than ever. It explained how he could be so callous, reckless, calculating and paranoid. It didn’t explain how he could feel so much, be so much, care so much, when Andrew couldn’t.

On Neil’s right shoulder was a burn scar from a hot iron. Andrew put his left hand up to it, fitting his fingers to the raised bumps the iron’s holes had left behind. That scar didn’t fit into the rest of Neil’s story. It was to domestic. His thumb found the scar from a bullet wound and something inside of Andrew twisted. He had never had a hot iron pressed against his skin, and he had certainly never been shot at.  This wasn’t the life of someone on the run, not of the kind Neil had said. The scars where too many, and some too old for him to have gotten them while being on the run, at least if he had made it on his own. Andrew felt a million miles away and a thousand years from this.

“Someone shot you.”

“I told you someone was after me.”

“This, is not from a life on the run,” said Andrew digging his fingers harder into the iron mark.

"My father gave me that. People came by asking questions about his work. I didn't say anything, but I didn't sit still enough, either. He hit me as soon as the door closed behind them. That's why I gave you 'Abram'," Neil said. "I don't want to give you my father's name because I don't want anyone to call me it ever again. I hated him."

Andrew fell quiet as he studied the rest of Neil. Neil was telling the truth this time, but he was still not honest but again, Andrew didn’t know how to push for honesty, when he had nothing to push with.

"Renee said you refused our knives. A murder magnet like you shouldn't walk around unarmed."

"I'm not," Neil said. "I thought you were going to watch my back this year?"

Andrew glanced up at him again, keeping expression unreadable. Did really Neil trust him that much? No, of course he didn’t. He hadn’t taken the knives because he disliked knives, Andrew supposed. So, what did Neil want from this conversation now.

"You're not actually a sociopath, are you?"

Neil wanted to figure Andrew out, to find some redeemable quality. Of course, Neil would be the one to ask, to notice. Of course, it would be him, when he looked at Andrew liked _that._ He cared, and Andrew couldn’t figure our why. What was it about Andrew that made Neil look at him and see someone he could trust, someone worthy of trust, someone to care about? What made Neil look at him and see past the façade Andrew had put up?

“I never said I was”

“You let them say it about you. You could have corrected them.”

And for what reason would Andrew have done that? It was better to let all the dark parts of him lose, all the broken, all the bad. Make it the only thing they saw, make them fear it, because then he knew what they expected from him, what role he had to play, how to act. It was so much easier to play in a game where there were to rules if you stuck to a role. So Andrew waved Neil off with a ,“what people think of me is not my problem”

“Does Coach know?”

“Of course, he does.”

_Don’t be dense Neil_

“Then your medicine…? Were those pills really anti-psychotics?”

“You ask a lot of questions” and Andrew was done giving answers. He left Neil to get dressed.

When Neil emerged from his room again and waited only long enough to hear the lock slide in to place before he started for the stairs. He lit to cigarettes and passed one over to Neil over his shoulder. As soon as they were all packed in the car Andrew took them out on the road with Neil in the passenger seat. When they reached Eden’s twilight Andrew let the others off and drove away to park. He couldn’t seem to get Neil out of his mind, it had started a long time ago, and now with the way Neil looked at him he knew that it was even harder. Before he had been a pipedream, an unreachable desire but now he could have him, the only way Andrew knew. Most of all Andrew would do anything to get rid of that headache he always seemed to have, to get rid of the surge in the stomach, to get rid of the feeling of stumbling on a tightrope, and if getting involved with Neil would quiet all that, if getting his hands on Neil’s body, feel him quiver, hear him gasp from underneath them, would quiet the voice in his head that spelled out Neil’s name, well then it would be worth they risks it included.  He had handled everyone and everything up so far; he could handle an exy junkie.

He came in to Eden’s and Roland greeted him, but Andrew could sense the pity in his eyes and it irked him. Andrew waited for the drinks to be poured before he let Neil clear a path for him to carry the tray to the table. They took the dust and soon after Nicky and Aaron disappeared into the crowd and Neil, obviously bored and maybe uncomfortable, went out to get new drinks. When Neil returned he had a puzzled look on his face and he sat down next to Andrew, turning in his chair to face him properly.

“Why does Roland think you’re tying me down?”

Andrew froze with the glass mid-way to his mouth. He considered his possibilities. He couldn’t lie or Neil would know, and Neil wore that annoying expression he had when he was figuring something out. He would make his own conclusions and Andrew supposed it would be better if he gave Neil the answers himself so Neil didn’t get any ideas.

“Presumably he thinks you’re as bad at following directions as he is, Roland knows I don’t like being touched.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“It’s the answer,” just because he would find a way to get what he wanted, it didn’t mean he would make it easy on Neil; he was far more interesting when he actually used that brain of his. Annoying, irritating and frustrating, but interesting.  “Rephrase the question if you don’t like it”

“I want to play another round; what’s outside Coach’s pay grade”

"When Coach signed us, he promised to stay out of our personal problems. He said the board paid him to be our coach, nothing more and nothing less."

Neil considered that for a moment, obviously unpleased with the answer,” "I didn't think I was a personal problem. You hate me, remember?"

"Every inch of you," Andrew said. "That doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you."

Andrew took pleasure in watching Neil’s world shift. Had he really been that oblivious to it? Well, he was Neil Josten after all so it was very well possible.

“You like me.”

“I hate you,” Andrew corrected him but Neil blue eyes were a million years away. After some time, Neil seemed to find his voice again.

“You never said anything”

“Why should I have? Nothing will come of it”

“Nothing,” Neil repeated as if he was trying to understand the word.

“I am self-destructive, not stupid, I know better”

Neil, still looking as if his world were askew, simply said “okay”.

Soon after, Andrew disappeared into the crowd, partly to get away from Neil, looking at him, and partly to find Roland and have a little talk about his slip up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment, it really is what fuels my writing these days with everything else rough going on in my life, it's nice to see my hard work appreciated, and on that note, a special thank you for all those who really do comment, you are life savours to this fic <3


End file.
